The Fine Art of Bargaining

"Anks, lets just get the Sims 3, and then we can like pretend that I'm not there for a few days while I play the game!"

Hmm, does she love a friggin game more than her adorable, caring boyfriend!?

Well, as you all know, I am the quintessential hopeless romantic. However, on this day, I was feeling romantically hopeless, so I took my lovely GF on a date to the sweltering hustle and bustle of Irla.

Set in the backdrop of the beautiful scenery of a sewage swamp, was this shady dude selling pirated game CDs. We walked up to him.

"Hey, I want the Sims 3."
"Of course sir, give me a minute."

Everything was going smoothly, until we came to the subject of the price. The conversation was in hindi, but this is the best I can do to translate:

"500 rupees."
"Haha, are you fucking mental? Do you know Samir? Cuz I know him. I always buy from here" (lies)
"Okay okay, just because you know Samir, I'll give it to you for 450."
"Fuck you, get serious or I'm leaving."(Turn to leave)
"Ok ok! 300!"
"Listen, (point to face) ismein tumhe kaunsa bhaag chutiya dikhta hai?"
"(Almost crying now) Arey dost, I have a business to run here. If you buy 4 DVDs for 200 rupees, mai toh kangal ho jaunga!"

I finally got him to 280. I turned to my girlfriend with a triumphant smile, having won this long and arduous battle.

Then the same dude came up to Julia and goes like "Hey madam, ek photo please?"
Me: "Oh no no no no no no no no no fuck no."

And that was that.

--

Later that night...

--

Jules: "FUCK! THE GAME DOESN'T WORK!"
Me: "Don't worry babe, tomorrow we'll go and pwn him :)"

--

The next day...

--

My fists were clenched, there was fury in my eyes, and the testosterone was now pumping thick and fast.

Oh I was going to give him a piece of my mind, I was!

After all that bargaining, the fucker sold me a non-working DVD!

My thoughts were focused but my mind was racing as the rickshaw imperiously pulled into Irla and the Sewage Dump.

Darth Vader and Batman music was playing in my head at the same time, as I swaggered over to the CD guy.

I looked him in the eyes, imagining him trembling before my knees, begging me to spare his life. I told him.

"This CD doesn't work."
"Oh okay, I'm sorry. I'll get you another one..."

We waited a couple of minutes, and he got us a new copy, and that was that.

--

On the way home...

--

Julia: "We sure pwned him..."

Hahaha!

Head Games

So day before, I went with Jules to play football on the beach. Obviously I was all pumped! I had my very own cheer squad now :D

Turns out, my girlfriend is not the most enthusiastic cheerleader :P First, we went to Nirav's house for a charming game of Fifa 09. I was looking forward to the raucous fan support from my girlfriend.

Sadly, she fell asleep while we were playing, hahaha!

Unfazed by this glaring insult to my alpha-maleness, we went to the beach where we were playing a soccer game against some Gay-N.S dudes.

Obviously, being the best player on the team (:P) I scored. But what else is new? Anyway, here is the moment in slow motion.

We're 3-0 down, and get a free kick right on the edge of the area. There is no hesitation in my mind as I step up to take it. The 4-man wall in front of me looks intimidating, but I don't really give a shit. Some douchebag in the wall is trying to provoke me, shouting that I'm going to miss.

This pisses me off. I run up, and hit it as hard as I can on his ass. The ball hits his bollox and goes into the net. Beautiful.

I raise my hands in triumph among the cheers of my team mates, and turn to my girlfriend on the sidelines to dedicate the golazo to her.

She's too busy gossiping with Jill and Niyati about some stupid shit. GRR! :P

50 bucks says that one of those two asked Jules my penis size. In recent weeks, I know a lot of you have asked me about this. Well, lets just keep that a secret, LOL!

Dia Doce

Sorry I've been away the past 10 days guys, the girlfriend fell sick, and then I've fallen sick - it's a sick sick world :(

So anyway, it's 6:15 a.m, and Teh Julzini is sleeping next to me under the cover of blankets and cool air. From time to time, I take a look at that adooorable sleepy face, with her hair sprawled all over the pillow, and her lips pouting just right, and even though her eyes are closed, you can look through to the most beautiful baby blue anyone has ever seen through that tiny gap.

Wow, she must be the prettiest sleeper in history.

She doesn't know about any of this, of course. She sleeps a simple sleep:
1. Ask to hold my hand throughout.
2. Make adorable whiny sounds if I sneakily take my hand away.

ANYWAY!

There's so much to catch up on! Julzini had fallen sick from a food poisoning (Dosas xD) And we had to keep her in the hospital for a few days. Scary shit, she was all hooked up to an IV and stuff.

It's cool being in a hospital though, I must have exhausted all the Kerala beaches of Coconut water. Must have had at least a million gallons of that stuff xD

Finally, we were out of the SickZone, and back into AnksandJulesZone ^^ We came home to a heroes welcome, because obviously, me being the perfect boyfriend that I am, took care of her :D

Not even 2 days had passed since then, that I hurt myself in a football game. I didn't notice it at first, but when I got home, I realized that my foot had inflated to twice it's size. (!!)

It looked like a fucking tumor right on my foot :o Scaaaaary shit. Julia, forever indebted (xD) took it upon herself to take care of Mr. Potato (That's what we named my little swollen 'tumor' xD

Mr. Potato stayed with us for a couple of days, before returning to be eaten by some random dude, excreted out, and then used on soil as a fertilizer where he will remain for all eternity.

So much more to tell you guys about :D Stay tuned!

Day Uno!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!

Julzini is here ^^ This is so awesome! Although it looks like she's more in love with my grandma than me, I'll deal with it :(

GIRLS! They always gang up on you, even when they're your grandmother and are 70 years old. So sick :P

Julia is mad at me because it's now almost 1 p.m and I've still not really woken up xD

Well, you can't blame her; she's new to the daily life of an amazing writer B-)

Anyway, Niyati came 26th in the world in some CLIT exam or something. Fucking weird. Guess she's a little talented after all.

COMING BACK TO THE POINT, yesterday was amazing! There were so many things we did that it's going to be hard to put it down in writing at all, because that would take another day!

The moment at the airport was pretty funny. I had been waiting like 2 hrs to pick her up, and then FINALLY I saw some chick in blonde hair coming out, but didn't see her face. But then it had to be her, right? I mean, how many blondes are there in this city anyway? It was unmistakable, the hair, the tight denim jeans, the pink t-shirt clinging to her, the air conditioner blowing in her face; I remember thinking her first step in India was a true bollywood moment, lol

Then, I watched in horror as security stopped her at the gate, and spoke to her for an excruciatingly long time, and she turned around and went back in, ESCORTED BY SECURITY!!! Now the alarm bells were going off like the 4th of July for me, so I ran over to the guard at the gate and asked him WTF was up. He said something about illegal goods. I was like, HOLY SHIT, MY GIRLFRIEND IS A DRUGDEALER!!! I followed the glass wall in desperation till I caught up with them, about 70 meters away. Then I realized, THIS IS NOT JULIA LEDENSTAM >_< This chick is like 40 years old! Lol, fucking oldie hippies smuggling drugs into my motherland...

After that, I went back and found my The Jules and we hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed some more ^^

---

The day was awesome too, showing a blonde girl around in the middle of the day gives you a taste of what it must be like to be Aishwarya Rai or something. But we didn't have any security! So Rushabh got employed as our security guard :D He's really cool! Lets us hideaway at his house, brings food for us, lets me drive his moped. He's really, really awesome.

I also realized how n00bish Scandinavians are with food xD My girlfriend finds Dosas really spicy; LOL.

The night was brilliant, though. It was like 12:30 a.m, and we're sitting in bed, wondering what to do. So I get a bright idea, and we sneak out of the window, I steal the house keys, and we're out! We spent some awesomeness time on my terrace under the stars ^^ It was cool. Perfect if it weren't for the fucking rats darting around.

Then we went for a little drive ^^. Me driving really safely, and Jules asking me to drive like a maniac, lol. Somehow, I managed to lose my way in a place where I've lived 16 years. I really am growing old. Forget pubic hair and moustaches, I'm getting alzheimers! In fact, I can't even remember the beginning of this post!

The drive was awesome, we went to like Andheri, Juhu and then towards Santa Cruz, and then back :D It was in our nice little bubble ^)

Then, we went and chilled at Rushab's place again for a bit, because Niyatis mom still hates me :(

We picked up all our stuff before anyone woke up and made a big deal of it, and sneaked back into the house, all intact, but our clothes giving EVERYTHING away. They were all dusty and dirty from spending the night on the terrace! Luckily, everyone was asleep, and they just assumed that we slept in for the last 14 hrs like two adorable and decent children ^^

Today promises to be just as exciting! STAY TUNED :D

Mindful Mumbo Jumbo

Holy shit holy shit holy shit! The most amazing thing just happened to me. It's almost UNFUCKINGREAL! It was singlehandedly the best feeling I ever remember feeling. It feels like...falling in love; except this feeling is physical, not emotional. Yes, it's the physical equivalent of climaxing and falling in love combined - and on steroids.

But by now you probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, hehe. So I think I should maybe take you back a bit.

So what does a bored and amateur writer do when he's awake and bored at 7 a.m?

He reads, of course!

Turns out, he lurked the hallowed realms of internet for the next 5 hours, and came across some mindboggling discoveries.

Anyway, I just realized I don't have a lot of time, and I really can't be arsed spending it on a stupid blog :P

So I'll tell you this: MEDITATION IS AWESOME!!!

I just tried it a few minutes ago, plus some super secret stuff that can't be published on the net, and the results were MINDNUMBING.

I swear to you, I couldn't move my fucking leg. I couldn't move my fucking leg!

And I started sort of...shivering. The best way to explain it would be like an...excited crawling under the skin of my forearm. It was amazing. Absolutely fucking amazing.

I'm going to do it again after lunch just to reinforce. It's going to be awesome!

Hot Pursuit!

Hey guys! I'm back :D

I'm going to be honest here, I didn't really feel up for coming back - what, with the busy life I live these days and all - but hey, beggars can't be choosers, eh? Hehe.

It's been a while. Over the past five weeks, I've been busy pimpin' New York, destroying birthday parties, hurting people at soccer, getting drunk on an empty stomach, and running from the law like the rebel I am, lol.

Last night was pretty wild.

So what does a world-famous blogger like me, do when he's bored? It was 11 p.m, and most of Mumbai's beta males and beta females were just turning in for the night. Hah, losers. I was just climbing out of bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

A night of adventure awaits.

I called Rushabh and asked if he wanted to hang out. Now this was a rhetorical question, but he invariably has a rhetorical answer.

"I'm talking to my girlfriend."

I wonder how they get along sometimes. His girl is like at least 5 years elder to him, and he has to talk with a hideously try-hard American accent to keep up with her.

But such is love, they say.

Unfortunately, I'm not 'them', so I proceeded to tease the living shit out of my best friend :P This means a no-holds-barred tongue-lashing about cougars, sex predatory, and him being secretly bisexual.

This got him out of his shell a bit, and he finally hung up on his girl, when I unceremoniously told her to "Fuck off."

Yeah, bite me, bitch!

By now, it was 3 a.m.

Perfect time to head out for a drive! So we took out his bike, and raced across town.

It's a strange thrill when you have the wind blowing in your hair. All the peasants and beggars race by in a blur before they ever have a chance to beg you for your next quarter. My favourite part is the lights - how the streetlights whiz past your head, one after the other. It's liberating. It reminds me of taking off in an airplane.

Suddenly, I spot a roadblock, with policemen and a big bad police van and all. I don't think about it - the lights are too distracting :P

Then it hits me.

Me: DUDE! POLICE!
Rushab: What? No...where?
Me: AHEAD OF YOU, DUMBASS!
Rushab: Oh...shit.

By this time, we were about 10 feet away from the policeman, who was signalling us to stop. We were two underage kids, without a licence, without a helmet, and out in a rough part of town at 3 a.m. Good luck explaining that away.

Me: TURN LEFT AND ACCELERATE!!! FAST!!!

Instead, Mr.Rushy yanks it into the opposite lane. Perfect, now we're running into oncoming traffic. Perfect.

By this time, the police guy is hysterical. He's shouting for us to stop, running after us, shouting into his walkie talkie thingee. It was scary stuff; but he didn't stand a chance. At this point, we were flying at about 90 km/hr, and weaving in and out of on coming traffic, like a downhill skier on steroids.

Suddenly, up ahead I spotted another police van. My face flushed and my skin went white. I was so sure we were getting fuckered tonight.

I'd heard of what happens in jails. I wasn't looking forward to having my anal virginity taken. And that by some hairy Maharashtrian dude.

Shit, I thought I was going to piss myself. So we ditched the bike and hid out for sometime, while the coast cleared.

I called my beloved girlfriend in the meanwhile and almost tried to make her promise that if I died she would take care of my pet soft toy Trevor and that she would try to seduce either Bono or Roger Waters one day.

It was cool.

I'm back, hehe