Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Nutty Professor

The first indication that there is a nut (sorry) loose somewhere, is when your professor starts his very first lecture with the words.

"I am a pothead."

You can fault him for being moral equivalent of the Bhopal Gas Tragedy, but you cannot fault him for his ability of being able to have a group of 20 really bored students hanging on his every syllable, about 15 seconds after he entered the room.

The shock and awe of this new discovery of Dutch abrasiveness has no time to gather itself before he says, "...and my son is a pothead too. Sometimes in the morning I am drinking my coffee and reading the newspaper, my son comes downstairs and says good morning, while he is rolling a joint."

"...and then we share it. Some people find it quite surprising how we live life in Holland."


That explains so much. For a man who has to be the most chill dude since Steven Segal, he doesn't look like it at all.

Before me stood a man of average height and average build, with appraising round glasses and an obvious disdain for hairstyles. Sounds like every pot head in the world, except for the fact that he had very wrinkled skin. The fact that he is 63 would probably make you second guess.

He was also ridiculously badly dressed for a man who has lived in France for half a decade now - you rarely ever see a professor walking to class in an ill-fitting shirt and a pair of jeans. The only thing that stood out about his clothing was his shoes. So polished were they, that they gave the impression of having been used by NASA in some zero-gravity experiment...

...which led me to examine his shoes a second time.

...which was when my eyes fell on something brown, cowering in the corner. At first, I thought it was yet another Indian student suffering from culture shock; I was wrong.

...it was a fucking dog.

The guy had brought a fucking dog to the class.

But hey, who am I to judge? The guy was the head of Heineken Beer for 12 years. Maybe if I'm really nice, he'll invite us to an end of term beer bath. It sounded far fetched and outlandish at first, but then he dropped this bomb, just before the class finished -

"...you know, there was at least something good that happened because of Hitler. In 1945, the war ended, and in 1946, I was born. I was a 'celebration baby'. My father was like 'WOOOOOOOOAAAHHHH THE WAR IS OVER!!! PEACEEE!!!', and then he fucked my mother."

I have a feeling that I'm really going to enjoy this class.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Schweden: Week 1

IEGS: International English Gay School

Oh, wait...

After spending almost 5 days in Sweden, I have come up with a little theory. If you haven't ever slept in Sweden, you haven't ever slept at all.

Especially during Christmas time, when you sleep just a little longer, so Santa Claus can have that little extra time to climb back up the chimney or wherever the hell he came from.

Think about it - it's comfortably dark outside, the snow is gentle but persistent, and just looking outside the window makes you shudder at how cold it probably is; but that thought is quickly overrun by the realization that its just so fucking cosy under this blanket!

...so then you crawl back in and cuddle with your girlfriend, and sleep a few more hours.

Rinse and repeat.

This day however, my eyes were wide open with shock, because Julia was gently coaxing me into waking up.

It's 5 in the fucking morning

I knew better than to defy, because under that calm exterior is a Nazi waiting to be unleashed xD

Anks, you only get 5 minutes in the shower, ok? 5 MINUTES. I mean it.

A couple of minutes later, I'm lazily brushing my teeth, vaguely aware of what's going on around me when I hear another firm knock on the door.

It's not Santa Claus.

Anky, this counts in the 5 minutes too, so now you have only 2 minutes for a shower. Oh, and here's the shampoo.

Soon, we head south east, braving the biting cold, foot deep snow, and the deathly silent night; making our way towards the hallowed isles of Sodermalm, where Julia goes to school.

Today, she's going to dress up like the pope and sing Christmas carols. I can't miss this :D

When we reach their practice hall, I'm exposed to a abrasive brazenness and awkwardness of these girls in the span of 5 minutes.

After all, I was this guy, sitting in the middle of a girls dressing room. It was going to be a nice little social experiment. You know I love those ;)

The room is empty, Julia and a couple other girls are changing behind the wall. Just then, a girl walks in. Evidently out of breath, and not too sure what to do after noticing a random stranger on her turf.

She is a deer caught in a pair of headlights. She completely ignores me at first. Looks to each corner of the room, the mirrors, the walls, the windows - she wants to look at anything but me.

I have a smile on my face.

I should put her out of her misery.

Hey, who're you looking for?

She didn't wait for me to complete my sentence. The second I opened my mouth, she bolts out of the room with dust in the air.

Hmm, that was interesting.

30 seconds later, almost as if destiny wanted to counter my little social experiment, a tall, mean looking, big girl who could wring your throat in a gentle caress walks in. She refuses to acknowledge me as she nonchalantly walks to the centre of the room.

Then she proceeds to change her clothes. Aggressively. If that even makes sense.

I was on the spot now, and I didn't really know what to do. Not used to random big girls walking up and changing like I was gay or something.

I decided to avert my eyes and instead focus on the relatively less painful copy of the school's brochure on my lap.

Uhh awkward.
Whatever, soon it was time for the Lucia thingee! I met up with Julia's friends (who are all really, really sweet)

Nestled between Victoria and Psysai, I watched the Ku Klux Klan party begin. If you don't believe me that thats what it looked like, then check this out:

Julia is in the middle, with the many candles on her head. All hail the Pope! Anyway, for those who don't know, Julia is an AWESOME singer.

I'm guessing that the school couldn't handle my awesomeness, because I could only be there when Julia was, and at that time my girlfriend had to take a test. So we decided to go to Psysai's house.

...where I was introduced to Alexander Wyckoff.

Somehow, the dude just oozes fun, but soon the school had recovered enough to let me back in again. I took this chance to do some adventuring on my own, while my girlfriend was practicing for her Inter House Song Competition - thing.

Unfortunately, the school is patrolled by Sweden's very own version of Filch from Harry Potter. Mr. T. Doesn't that sound sinister? Well he is. And he doesnt like random indieboys loitering in the corridors.

Hence, in true Anky fashion, I hurled myself into the first door I saw, pulled up a chair to the table, and acted like I knew what I was doing.

I hoped that all the other kids didn't think this was retarded and snitch on me.

Then I looked up.

On my left was big scary Lucia girl, looking big and scary.

I gulped

Then I turned to the right, saw an acquaintance and heaved a relief. It was the other Alex. I wasn't going to get ratted out to Mr.T to be roughed up :D

As a reward, I proceeded to sow all hell and confusion in that room. I accused people of being Russian spies, showed them pictures of my pet elephants, claimed to be doing work for the government that I wasn't allowed to talk about, and in the end said I was a new student in the school, just trying to find my way around.

Big and scary girl was in splits, and wanted to paint on my forehead. Maybe thats her way of showing gratitude.

Another girl across the table - Liz - said 3 words in the whole conversation, between creepily staring at me, and giggling like a maniac. That was my cue to make a swift exit.

So I left, realizing that my girlfriend had felt my absence and set off the urgency alarm, leading to a massive manhunt.

But I found my Julestar soon after, and we hugged and we were reunited ^^


I looked at my watch.

It was just past noon on a Monday morning. Sweden promises to be fun.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Schweden: Day Uno

In the words of a very dear friend of mine before he asked this girl out,

Today was an awesome day.

And so it was.

My first day in the place I've dreamed about returning to for about a year and a half now; I woke up feeling like a bundle of excitement. Then I shivered in the cold and crawled slowly back under the cosy little blanket with Jules.

...before she unceremoniously kicked me out of it.

What an asshole, haha xD

After a little fooling around, dropping my razor in the toilet, finishing all the hot water just to get back at my girlfriend for kicking me out, and of course putting on about 6 layers of clothes, we were ready to take on the hidden dangers and spectacular beasts of Stockholm.

Since it was MY first day, it should be no surprise that it was awesome. :P (Emphasis on my, and not first xD)

We went Ice Skating!

This was honestly the first time that I've put on skates in at least 5 years, but I think I did okay xD

What raised the day from awesome to epic status was the fact that we went skating with some of Julia's friends.

After that, a really tired couple went home, and took the most amazing nap in the world for 2 hours, before having an awesome dinner, talking about Indian education, Indian food, Indian job prospects, and how Sweden is getting more stupid every year :D

After decorating the christmas tree, pwning Julia's brother at Fifa 10, and of course watching beloved Real Madrid win, you can tell that I had a fucking blast.

Lets hope it's a sign of things to come!

Happy holidays guys

Sweden: Day Zero

It was the moment everyone dreads.

People have lost their minds, jumped out of windows, even shut themselves in a room with the Backstreet Boys playing before putting a classic revolver to their heads.

Meeting your girlfriend's parents.

The stories of horror that stem out of those four words would put the Exorcist to shame. David Beckham once said that meeting his girlfriend's dad was like walking down a long, cold, and narrow hall to your execution. The flaring of nostrils, the breathing of fire, the murder in the eyes, he said that he feared having his neck wrung at any given moment.

Julia's parents are just like that.


I had actually lost sleep over this issue. For 10 hours in Frankfurt and 2 hours somewhere over Germany and Sweden, I had wondered what it would be like to meet my girlfriends parents.

Even then, I had no idea how it was going to turn out when I walked through the arrival gate at Arlanda airport.

I was obviously attacked by a really enthusiastic girlfriend who I obviously attacked back, but then I had to turn to her dad xD

A quick hand shake and 3 jokes and 30 seconds later, it was as if it was the most natural thing in the world.


Julia: I got lost the other day in the neighbourhood at night...
Her dad: What were you drinking?
Julia: Oh, coke...
Her Dad: See? That's why you got lost. You're supposed to snort it!


Her dad: So Ankit now that you are here you will be our entertaining monkey
Me: Hahaha...
Me(24 hrs later while showering): Wait...what the...?


Her dad: You know, in Sweden, all houses look the same. One time last year, it was my friend's birthday, and I was coming home at 5 a.m, and I was like a kilometre away and I couldn't even find my own house...


Tomorrow it shall be time to face her mom. Lets hope that goes awesome too! xD

Friday, December 11, 2009

Sweden Calling

The past few days have made me an insomniac. Even after starving myself of sleep, and then enduring a hair raising 9 hour flight into the 3rd Reich, I'm in the crew lounge of this hotel, blogging in a pair of track bottoms and a white polo shirt.(sexay)

Why can't I sleep?

I thought you'd never ask.


In about 8 hours, my plane is going to take off northwards!

I've not really taken the time to let it sink in yet, but it's going to be pretty moving when it does.

At the risk of sounding like an unstable retard, I will reveal that I have spent a large part of the last year and a half I've been away, thinking about today.

I've been obsessed to the point of buying the Mamma Mia! DVD (I never buy dvds), and becoming an ABBA fan. Yes, I have become an ABBA fan. Anything that reminds me of the best time of my life.

Above all, I'm really excited to see Julia again. It's only been a month since she was here, but it seems like a LONG ASS TIME. Waking up with her and being with her every minute of every day is the best christmas gift anyone could ever get! (Apart from tickets to the world cup of course)

Just kidding.

Dont kill me jules xD You know I love you so much ^^

But still,

this post was supposed to be elegant, graceful, flowing, almost poetic. Instead, it turned out sounding like a desperate, deranged, and overenthusiastic teenager.

Then again, thats what I am.


Deja New?

It was obviously one of my infamous 'social experiments', but that part of me was just beginning to stamp it's curiosity at that point.

There are people who think that being in the middle of nowhere, with no money; armed with a vocabulary of about 5 words in the local dialect would quite likely be one of their worst nightmares.

...not to mention also being surrounded by an army of beer-guzzling, mother-cursing, schiesse-packing hooligans.

Those people would be surprised to know that I was in that situation.

Those people would be shocked even, to know that I had thrown myself into that situation on purpose.

Those people probably thought I had a deathwish.

Frankfurt holds a lot of memories. It's somewhere, in some forest, in some corner of Germany. The structures are antediluvian as they are new age, they're Transylvanian as they are Japanese inspired sky scrapers.

That summer day in June, I was more than a little bored with less than a little to do in Germany. I decided to go and watch the Germany-Portugal Euro 2008 game.

Of course, I went alone. So as soon as I got in, I approached the first bunch of people I saw, and acted like we were old buddies.

Much to my surprise, they didn't hit me over the head with one of their beer bottles.

Instead, they said "Heeey! Come here brooother! Whatsuuup!"

Cool, I like Germany :D

Over the next 2 hours, I had passionate debates about German politics, got inside gossip about how Bastian Schweinsteiger (footballer) is sleeping with the presidents wife, took 3 baths, (2 in beer, 1 in a fountain on the town square) and had the German flag tattooed on my butt, to match the German flag in my hand, the GO GERMANY balloon-finger on my other hand, and the red, yellow and black that my face had become.

Drunk more in the furore of an epic Euro win rather than the barrels of (admittedly mild) beer that they had consumed, my friend Mark decided to show me some of his seduction skills.

He just said, "Hey Aaaankit. Which girl over here you find hot?" I pointed out the first blonde girl I saw. I wasn't used to seeing blonde girls then.

Then my jaw dropped as he walked over to her, said something, got her phone number and a hug, and sent her away smiling.

And then he came back like it was the most normal thing in the world.

What the fuck?

"So...you just walk up to a stranger like that and start talking?"
"Sure man"
"Damn...what did you say?"
"I commented on her teeth. Just say the first thing that you think"

About a month later, I'm standing in a gloomy old Swedish town on the west coast. I've been waiting in line for 2 hours. I was cold, tired, and a little lost. To top it all off, there was a hot chick behind me who was getting increasingly pissed off with every passing second.

To make matters worse, I had spent the last few minutes trying to gather the courage to talk to her.

Whats the first thing that comes to my mind first thing that comes to my mind first thing that comes to my mind. Hmmmmmmmmmmm

"Hey uhmm...it's 20 kr to go in right?"

Wow, that was so bad that I should voluntarily remove myself from the gene pool.

Looking back 18 months later, maybe I was a little too hard on myself ;)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


We were swerving in and out of the midnight traffic down one of Cochabamba´s many thousand calles. The conversation hung in the air as the cool night breeze enveloped the charming little town in the mountains. People say that there´s something about this town, enveloped on all 4 sides by beautiful mountains, that makes it instantly feel like home. It feels cosy.

I however, was not paying attention to any such tripe. The seat covers of Manfred´s car were nearly torn to shreds, because I was fixated by the seat of my pants, white knuckled, praying to Ram, Krishna, Allah, Jesus, Santa Claus, whoever was out there - just to get me out alive.

Manfred meanwhile, was harbouring no such thoughts. He was wrestling with the steering wheel, texting, and talking about today's chilly weather with total ease.

Now, Manfred has been practicing Martial Arts for about 18 years now. You'd think that a guy who had kicked more butt than Clint Eastwood would find midnight multitasking relatively easy.

...and he probably does.

There was only one problem...

He was drunker than a Jamaican pirate on off shore leave. I had watched in awe and horror as he proceed to consume obscene amounts of Vodka - enough to put half the Russian army to shame.

-- 60 minutes earlier --

Me: Hey...HEY wait, if Manfred is drinking, who will drive?
Conejo: Hey...man...let me tell you something (puts his arm around me) in Bolivia, we have...cliche. If you don drink...you don drive....


Well, I made it home safely in the end, but what an incredible day!

I hung out with the son of the president of Bolivia's biggest airline company. The son of the manufacturers of 50% of Bolivia's paper, the son of the dealer of every single one of Cochabamba's street lights.

And it turns out, they're even more fucked up than I am! Haha

Sarti was pissing on a tree, while Gringo climbed it and pretended to be King Kong. Everyone has a nickname. I had the honor of naming some.

Some of the guys are: Chewbacca, Enrique 'Kike' Iglesias, Cholo, and of course, my new name is Jamal.

It seems they've all seen Slumdog Millionaire. Haha!

Anyhow, they're all great guys. I'm going out with them in a few minutes. It promises to be fun!