Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Lessons from The Master

They were all shivering in their shoes; cowering in the aisles; bowing their heads, praying desperately to their Krishnas and Allahs not to be spotted as His Majesty glided by, his royal cape in tow. He had absolutely devastated the street, and they had no answer to him. Their meagre powers no match for him.

Yes ladies, gents, and those undecided, I HAVE FOUND THE CURE THAT HUSBANDS AND BOYFRIENDS THE WORLD OVER HAVE BEEN WAITING SO DESPERATELY FOR, FOR CENTURIES. Millennia, even. It's a simple concept - bargaining.

People shudder at the very thought of the word...SHOPPING.

Yes, I went shopping with the Jules again yesterday. This time, we chose Colaba as our target. Before that though, we visited the Gateway of India first.

It's pretty disgusting now, disgusting and hairy old men everywhere. Julia was oblivious to this though, I always wonder how she does that. Anyway, while we're clicking away at the Gateway, this random dude approaches us:

"Medam, can we take a picture with you?"

Hmm, I think I'm getting used to this.


"What the fuck?"
"Sir aapke saath ek picture lena hai, memory ke liye."

And that wasn't all, I watched on with my mouth hanging dry as another 4 dirty disgusting guys walked up behind him, all looking at me expectantly. I think it would suffice to say that it was disgusting. They were trying to give me the 'puppydog look'! THE PUPPYDOG LOOK FOR FUCKS SAKE!!! Can you believe that?

A bunch of dark hairy 40 year old men trying to cutely look into my eyes and hoping to convince me!

They convinced me alright, TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE :O

So we ran before those puppydogs came panting their tongues and wagging their tails after us. A quick sidestep onto the street, and we were on this awesome-ass shopping place.

My eyes lit up - bargaining :D

We ended up buying:

1 pair of glares
3 pashimi scarves or something
1 PC game (My gf is a nerd)
2 wrist bands
2 ankle bracelets (none for me, ty)
Something else I can't remember.

Anyway, the formula for bargaining success is quite simple actually.

First, ask him to show you the thingee you want.
"Okay, how much for this?"
"X rupees sir."
"Hahahaha are you friggin kidding me? No no, tell me you're kidding, please."
"No sir"
"Ok, I'll tell you what, I'll give you half of X."
"Arey sir I have a business to run! I can't do that! I'll give you Rs.10 off!"
"Hey look, I live far away, not going to come again, I don't even have the money, so give me 3/4th X or I'm leaving."
"Sir, I can't do that, please try to understand..."
"Ok, whatever trevor, we're leaving..."
"Arey siiiiiiiiiiir! Wait I'll sell it to you!!!"

That sounds as awesome in real life as it does on the internet :D

Friday, June 26, 2009

A lot can happen during coffee :D

Yesterday was awesomenesski!

...all 6 hrs of it, since I woke up at 7 p.m. Oh noes xD

It started off with a movie: The Hangover.

That movie was fuckin' awesome! It makes you think about all the wild shit you compromised on in life just to stay within the rules. NEVER MORE I SAY, NEVAH MOOOORE!!!

The true highlight of the night though, was our midnight escapade to Cafe Coffee Day :D

I'm just starting to get used to my girlfriend turning heads around the whole fucking block as we walk by, but tonight was a little bit special. Rushabh was just telling me:

"Ankit, I'm telling you man...tu kisi ko bhi idhar maar. Lafda kar."
"What? Hit someone for no reason just like that?"
"Cuz now I'm untouchable man...unfuckintouchable. Im a certified fuckin' bhai...seriously dude...tu lafda kar, and it'll be like Star Wars Attack of the Clones. A whole fuckin army to back you up"

About 5 minutes later, Julia turns to me and says, "Haha, check out the fat yellow guy staring at me xD"

I turned to look at him, and I nearly spat my drink all over JVPD Scheme. The typical fatboy, mushy hair, neatly but subtly parted in the middle; manboobs erect and at the ready for lactation if and when needed; and a disturbingly visible erection in his pants.

And the funniest part? He didn't seem to even care that we caught him xD I was looking at him and laughing, but he was completely unfazed. For a second I debated the second coming of Gautam Buddha.

But no, I reminded myself that Buddha is that fat, bald laughing guy with a whale-belly that people put in their houses to cheer themselves up. No, this guy was in friggin' emo mode.

Seriously though, nothing could shake his unswerving stare at the pretty blonde girl. It was like he was in some deep Kama Sutra trance or something. Who knows?

A few minutes later, a couple of guys walked in. Straight away, his focus shifted to them. This time, he was looking with the most incredulous expression on his face. It was like he had shat his pants and someone was painfully piercing his testicles at the same time.

Yeah, you get it. Hilarious.

Soon, the guy's table got up to leave...

Rushabh sees this is his chance to shine...

"Dude, watch this..."

As they pass by our table, Rushy starts singing a really whiny and high pitched version of his famous and patented song "Lyouuuzerrrr!!!"

It basically involves saying "Loser" over and over again in an exaggerated fashion. It was awkward but it was the funniest shit ever. Think about it, this random dude passes by your table, and co-incidentally of course, you start shouting LOSER LOSER LOSER!!!

Rushini, after his brilliant antics

Lmao, that made my night ;D

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Fine Art of Bargaining

"Anks, lets just get the Sims 3, and then we can like pretend that I'm not there for a few days while I play the game!"

Hmm, does she love a friggin game more than her adorable, caring boyfriend!?

Well, as you all know, I am the quintessential hopeless romantic. However, on this day, I was feeling romantically hopeless, so I took my lovely GF on a date to the sweltering hustle and bustle of Irla.

Set in the backdrop of the beautiful scenery of a sewage swamp, was this shady dude selling pirated game CDs. We walked up to him.

"Hey, I want the Sims 3."
"Of course sir, give me a minute."

Everything was going smoothly, until we came to the subject of the price. The conversation was in hindi, but this is the best I can do to translate:

"500 rupees."
"Haha, are you fucking mental? Do you know Samir? Cuz I know him. I always buy from here" (lies)
"Okay okay, just because you know Samir, I'll give it to you for 450."
"Fuck you, get serious or I'm leaving."(Turn to leave)
"Ok ok! 300!"
"Listen, (point to face) ismein tumhe kaunsa bhaag chutiya dikhta hai?"
"(Almost crying now) Arey dost, I have a business to run here. If you buy 4 DVDs for 200 rupees, mai toh kangal ho jaunga!"

I finally got him to 280. I turned to my girlfriend with a triumphant smile, having won this long and arduous battle.

Then the same dude came up to Julia and goes like "Hey madam, ek photo please?"
Me: "Oh no no no no no no no no no fuck no."

And that was that.


Later that night...


Me: "Don't worry babe, tomorrow we'll go and pwn him :)"


The next day...


My fists were clenched, there was fury in my eyes, and the testosterone was now pumping thick and fast.

Oh I was going to give him a piece of my mind, I was!

After all that bargaining, the fucker sold me a non-working DVD!

My thoughts were focused but my mind was racing as the rickshaw imperiously pulled into Irla and the Sewage Dump.

Darth Vader and Batman music was playing in my head at the same time, as I swaggered over to the CD guy.

I looked him in the eyes, imagining him trembling before my knees, begging me to spare his life. I told him.

"This CD doesn't work."
"Oh okay, I'm sorry. I'll get you another one..."

We waited a couple of minutes, and he got us a new copy, and that was that.


On the way home...


Julia: "We sure pwned him..."


Head Games

So day before, I went with Jules to play football on the beach. Obviously I was all pumped! I had my very own cheer squad now :D

Turns out, my girlfriend is not the most enthusiastic cheerleader :P First, we went to Nirav's house for a charming game of Fifa 09. I was looking forward to the raucous fan support from my girlfriend.

Sadly, she fell asleep while we were playing, hahaha!

Unfazed by this glaring insult to my alpha-maleness, we went to the beach where we were playing a soccer game against some Gay-N.S dudes.

Obviously, being the best player on the team (:P) I scored. But what else is new? Anyway, here is the moment in slow motion.

We're 3-0 down, and get a free kick right on the edge of the area. There is no hesitation in my mind as I step up to take it. The 4-man wall in front of me looks intimidating, but I don't really give a shit. Some douchebag in the wall is trying to provoke me, shouting that I'm going to miss.

This pisses me off. I run up, and hit it as hard as I can on his ass. The ball hits his bollox and goes into the net. Beautiful.

I raise my hands in triumph among the cheers of my team mates, and turn to my girlfriend on the sidelines to dedicate the golazo to her.

She's too busy gossiping with Jill and Niyati about some stupid shit. GRR! :P

50 bucks says that one of those two asked Jules my penis size. In recent weeks, I know a lot of you have asked me about this. Well, lets just keep that a secret, LOL!

Dia Doce

Sorry I've been away the past 10 days guys, the girlfriend fell sick, and then I've fallen sick - it's a sick sick world :(

So anyway, it's 6:15 a.m, and Teh Julzini is sleeping next to me under the cover of blankets and cool air. From time to time, I take a look at that adooorable sleepy face, with her hair sprawled all over the pillow, and her lips pouting just right, and even though her eyes are closed, you can look through to the most beautiful baby blue anyone has ever seen through that tiny gap.

Wow, she must be the prettiest sleeper in history.

She doesn't know about any of this, of course. She sleeps a simple sleep:
1. Ask to hold my hand throughout.
2. Make adorable whiny sounds if I sneakily take my hand away.


There's so much to catch up on! Julzini had fallen sick from a food poisoning (Dosas xD) And we had to keep her in the hospital for a few days. Scary shit, she was all hooked up to an IV and stuff.

It's cool being in a hospital though, I must have exhausted all the Kerala beaches of Coconut water. Must have had at least a million gallons of that stuff xD

Finally, we were out of the SickZone, and back into AnksandJulesZone ^^ We came home to a heroes welcome, because obviously, me being the perfect boyfriend that I am, took care of her :D

Not even 2 days had passed since then, that I hurt myself in a football game. I didn't notice it at first, but when I got home, I realized that my foot had inflated to twice it's size. (!!)

It looked like a fucking tumor right on my foot :o Scaaaaary shit. Julia, forever indebted (xD) took it upon herself to take care of Mr. Potato (That's what we named my little swollen 'tumor' xD

Mr. Potato stayed with us for a couple of days, before returning to be eaten by some random dude, excreted out, and then used on soil as a fertilizer where he will remain for all eternity.

So much more to tell you guys about :D Stay tuned!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Day Uno!


Julzini is here ^^ This is so awesome! Although it looks like she's more in love with my grandma than me, I'll deal with it :(

GIRLS! They always gang up on you, even when they're your grandmother and are 70 years old. So sick :P

Julia is mad at me because it's now almost 1 p.m and I've still not really woken up xD

Well, you can't blame her; she's new to the daily life of an amazing writer B-)

Anyway, Niyati came 26th in the world in some CLIT exam or something. Fucking weird. Guess she's a little talented after all.

COMING BACK TO THE POINT, yesterday was amazing! There were so many things we did that it's going to be hard to put it down in writing at all, because that would take another day!

The moment at the airport was pretty funny. I had been waiting like 2 hrs to pick her up, and then FINALLY I saw some chick in blonde hair coming out, but didn't see her face. But then it had to be her, right? I mean, how many blondes are there in this city anyway? It was unmistakable, the hair, the tight denim jeans, the pink t-shirt clinging to her, the air conditioner blowing in her face; I remember thinking her first step in India was a true bollywood moment, lol

Then, I watched in horror as security stopped her at the gate, and spoke to her for an excruciatingly long time, and she turned around and went back in, ESCORTED BY SECURITY!!! Now the alarm bells were going off like the 4th of July for me, so I ran over to the guard at the gate and asked him WTF was up. He said something about illegal goods. I was like, HOLY SHIT, MY GIRLFRIEND IS A DRUGDEALER!!! I followed the glass wall in desperation till I caught up with them, about 70 meters away. Then I realized, THIS IS NOT JULIA LEDENSTAM >_< This chick is like 40 years old! Lol, fucking oldie hippies smuggling drugs into my motherland...

After that, I went back and found my The Jules and we hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed some more ^^


The day was awesome too, showing a blonde girl around in the middle of the day gives you a taste of what it must be like to be Aishwarya Rai or something. But we didn't have any security! So Rushabh got employed as our security guard :D He's really cool! Lets us hideaway at his house, brings food for us, lets me drive his moped. He's really, really awesome.

I also realized how n00bish Scandinavians are with food xD My girlfriend finds Dosas really spicy; LOL.

The night was brilliant, though. It was like 12:30 a.m, and we're sitting in bed, wondering what to do. So I get a bright idea, and we sneak out of the window, I steal the house keys, and we're out! We spent some awesomeness time on my terrace under the stars ^^ It was cool. Perfect if it weren't for the fucking rats darting around.

Then we went for a little drive ^^. Me driving really safely, and Jules asking me to drive like a maniac, lol. Somehow, I managed to lose my way in a place where I've lived 16 years. I really am growing old. Forget pubic hair and moustaches, I'm getting alzheimers! In fact, I can't even remember the beginning of this post!

The drive was awesome, we went to like Andheri, Juhu and then towards Santa Cruz, and then back :D It was in our nice little bubble ^)

Then, we went and chilled at Rushab's place again for a bit, because Niyatis mom still hates me :(

We picked up all our stuff before anyone woke up and made a big deal of it, and sneaked back into the house, all intact, but our clothes giving EVERYTHING away. They were all dusty and dirty from spending the night on the terrace! Luckily, everyone was asleep, and they just assumed that we slept in for the last 14 hrs like two adorable and decent children ^^

Today promises to be just as exciting! STAY TUNED :D

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mindful Mumbo Jumbo

Holy shit holy shit holy shit! The most amazing thing just happened to me. It's almost UNFUCKINGREAL! It was singlehandedly the best feeling I ever remember feeling. It feels like...falling in love; except this feeling is physical, not emotional. Yes, it's the physical equivalent of climaxing and falling in love combined - and on steroids.

But by now you probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, hehe. So I think I should maybe take you back a bit.

So what does a bored and amateur writer do when he's awake and bored at 7 a.m?

He reads, of course!

Turns out, he lurked the hallowed realms of internet for the next 5 hours, and came across some mindboggling discoveries.

Anyway, I just realized I don't have a lot of time, and I really can't be arsed spending it on a stupid blog :P

So I'll tell you this: MEDITATION IS AWESOME!!!

I just tried it a few minutes ago, plus some super secret stuff that can't be published on the net, and the results were MINDNUMBING.

I swear to you, I couldn't move my fucking leg. I couldn't move my fucking leg!

And I started sort of...shivering. The best way to explain it would be like an...excited crawling under the skin of my forearm. It was amazing. Absolutely fucking amazing.

I'm going to do it again after lunch just to reinforce. It's going to be awesome!