Thursday, July 16, 2009

Unceremonious Madness At The Opening Ceremony

Part 5 is now here! This is from the day before I met my girlfriend. It includes a lot of people, a lot of fun, a lot of fireworks, and obviously, (since it IS me) a lot of picking up girls xD

Part V: Paghdi Crazy

The Gothia Cup opening ceremony is unlike anything you've ever seen or imagined. It's a bit like the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games, except that this one is actually watched by people, haha.

I was kind of nervous when we left our accommodation dressed as nutjobs. I thought we looked like complete nincompoops. On the way out of the room, I had the chance to take a look at a mirror. It cracked, broke, and fell to the ground - before magically igniting itself into flames and exploding before my very eyes.

Yes, that bad. At least, I thought.

I was wearing an orange, full-length kurta with a white pyjama. To top it all off, I was wearing these shoes:


Oh, and did I mention I was wearing a 'paghdi' on my head? Yeah. That certainly 'tops' it all off. Haha, gotta work on that humor.

Anyway, 50 of us vile-dressed Indians took the tram to our destination. We were to take part in the parade of the opening ceremony, representing our country. The coach handed me the Indian flag to take care of. I took a look at it and felt the excited tingle of pride.

The opening ceremony takes place at the new Ullevi stadium. A magnificent 60,000 seater theater where the Swedish national team usually plays it's home games. It's as breathtaking up close as it is in the pictures.

I'd say the spectacle from the inside was even better than for those in the stands. As we waited for our 10 minutes of fame outside the stadium, I watched as the representing teams from everywhere from Iceland, to Gambia, to Georgia, and Guatemala, to the east with Japan, China, and Turkey stood expectantly. It really is a miracle of a tournament. Who'd have thunk'd that I'd be making friends with Iraqis and Guatemalans?

So, the next time you see a mexican dude mowing your lawn, don't follow your heart and think that's all mexicans are born to do! Think about the guys who are plying their trades in far off lands, to make their countrymen proud!

Anyway, soon the moment approached. I've been nervous before, but this was just something else. We were now being escorted into the stadium, through an underground passageway that led to where our parade entrance was supposed to be.

Trust me, I got shivers. Absolute shivers when we were walking under the stands. The stadium was shaking from the noise and expectation. It was incredible, heart-stopping, inciting, exciting, all at the same time.

...and we hadn't even stepped onto the pitch yet.

I was in a daze, and I don't even remember when we were given the signal to step outside into the setting Gothenburg sun - but I clearly remember what it felt like.

It was an explosion of noise and colors. Blue, green, orange, red, yellow everywhere. You don't often hear sportsmen talking about walking out in front of 60,000 screaming fans, but let me tell you. It's surreal. The stadium was absolutely packed to the brim. And they were cheering for us! :O

...and they actually dug our outfits! I could see girls, (young and old) swooning in the stands. (Looking at me, of course :P)

I mean, I tried to be all cool and wave at the screaming people in the stands, but it was honestly overwhelming. As we got closer, most of them were asking for my paghdi. Some offering as much as $200 for it. Can you believe that? You get those things for Rs. 25 in Bombay! Hahaha!

Anyway, the opening ceremony was honestly fantastic. They showed the story of a couple that met at the Gothia Cup ten years ago, and they got engaged at the last Gothia Cup, and this time they married, in front of 60,000 cheering people. That was a beautiful moment.

There were dance performances and fireworks, we sang everything from Y-M-C-A! to WEEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAMPIOOOONS!!! (All out of tune, of course) before the night was done.

After it was done, I was mobbed by a crowd of Swedes, all asking me for the hallowed 'Paghdi'. Soon, they got into a bidding war, and dizzying prices. As much as $300 now. Fucking insane!

But as you all know, I am a man of principle.

So I gave the paghdi to her instead:

Note: This does not count as prostitution. (Which is, btw eradicated in Sweden)

Anyway, her name was Isabelle too. Guess Swedes like that name.


Seriously, my Indian outfit was attracting a lot of chicks by this time.

Also, by this time I was getting very tired of those hideously uncomfortable shoes. I took them off, and carried them in my hand as I walked. Then, a flash of inspiration, and the genius had thought of yet another brilliant plan.

I caught this girl, absolutely mesmerized by my kurta-pyjama, lol. It was like these Scandinavian people have never seen an Indian dude before. Anyway, I caught her glare, and while I reeled her in, looking intently into her eyes, I put one of my shoes into her hand, and hurried off into the distance before she could know what the fuck was going on, hahaha!

I remember sharing this moment with Hari as we got onto the tram. He couldn't believe it, and asked me what I planned to do with the other shoe.

"I thought you'd never ask!"

I made my way across the compartment to a girl a year or two younger than me, whom I had seen get on earlier. I now realized she was with her mom. Whatever, too late to pull out now. I turned to the mother instead.

"Excuse me, Madam?"
*Seductive salesman voice* "Can I interest you in this...beautiful...shoe?"
*Her and her daughter both* "Hahahahahahahaha"
"Honestly, I give you best price. Free! You'll never find such a shoe in your life!"
"Ehh, I don't know"
"No, seriously, take it!"
"Haha, mom you're setting such a bad example for your kid! You can't blush when a 16 year old talks to you!"
*Cue more giggles*

I could see our stop was coming nearer. We had to get off at the next station. I handed the shoe to the girl - "Can you hold this for a sec?"

And that was that, I ran off the tram, hahaha!

Stay tuned for the next part!

Again, thanks for all the ass kissing, losers! But seriously, now that I think about it, that week was even wilder than I previously remembered. I must do it again next year. Anyone want to come along?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Believe in Miracles

Today is a very special day for me. So I'm going to tell you about a very special story to me. I don't think I've ever told this to anyone in such detail before. Hence, ladies, gentlemen and those undecided, without further ado, I present to you:

Part IV: Love At First Fight?

14th July 2008

The hallowed name had been whispered around fleetingly over the past few days. We were all noobs here. We didn't know a lot about this famed festival of strobe lights and drunken madness, but we didn't dare expect anything of it, because the one thing we did know, was that it would be way, way, waaay past our expectations.

The famed place was about 20 minutes by tram from our accomodation. Between the tunnels of Korsvagen and the vast open space surrounding Scandinavium, is the magnificent...Svenska Massan. Yes, THIS is what we'd come here for. It's official name is Club Gothia. People call it...The Disco.

It was absolute madness. Seriously, think about being a couple of hormonal 16 year old guys, and going to a country where the chicks DIIG you for being Indian. I mean, seriously, I was not used to this kind of attention. Where they live, everyone has blonde hair and blue eyes. Nice B-)

Then, picture that hormonal 16 year old in this kind of country, going to a disco that attracts 4,000 people between 14-19 years old every night. And you have yourself the recipe for Epicness.

As you can see from this picture, we were excited about it already :D

After losing 5-0 in the morning to some German team, the rest of the guys didn't feel like a night of partying was in order. Oh well, fuck 'em! :D Personally, I'd never been stupid enough to hope that India would do well at a football tournament. So me and Hari decided we would tear up Gothenburg. Prathamesh the midget decided to tag along too, and thank God he tagged along! You shall see why.

Anyway, our team volunteer was this Doctor Chick from Hungary called Isabella. Our vice captain had the biggest crush on her. The look on his face was priceless when I told him that she had invited me out with her. Hahahaha, that was hilarious. Guess that explains why he hasn't returned my calls for a year now :P But that's a story for another day. Isabella, had told us to go early, because the queues can get pretty long.

The Disco runs from 7 p.m-12 a.m. We reached there at around 8. First, we were looking around and were There's no one here! Prathamesh was sure that we were going to meet a cock-farm. Then I reminded him that we were not in his backyard. This was Sweden, people! Sure enough, we turned the corner and found a queue: Jaw drop moment no. 24543634

Seriously, it stretched for miiiiiiles. I mean, absolute miles. Hari the bastard insisted that we walk closer to the queue, so he can check out the 1000-odd hot 16 year old model-type girls that were waiting in line. I mean, seriously, it was ridiculous.

I obviously didn't object, hahaha.

Anyway, we got to the back of the queue, and knew we were in for a bit of a wait. We killed time rating the billions of hot blonde girls in sunglasses and short skirts passing by. Well, there were a lot of them. And an uncomfortable amount of them were ogling me. I thought I must have a mole the size of a potato in the middle of my face.

After an hour of waiting, I had seriously had enough. That's when Prathamesh spotted something conspicuous. He goes: "Dude...this rail is not connected. We can cut thru here!"

Me: I don't know man...are you sure? I don't want to get kicked out and wait another hour.
Him: Just come. I'm going.
Me: Aight, Aight! Wait up...

And that was that, we cut the queue.

Have you ever sensed a burning, seething hatred in the back of your head? Because at that moment I could. From the 2 girls that we had cut in front of. Cristiano Ronaldo claims that he thrives on this kind of hatred. To be honest, it scared the living shit out of me, lol. It's not hard to recall that piercing stare right in the back of my head. Their eyes were acid, and I hadn't even looked at them yet.

Over the course of the next few minutes, I proceeded to get more and more uncomfortable. I remember thinking that these girls were throwing everything they had in their chick-repertoire. Feet shuffling, throat clearing, it was all there. To top it all off, Some girls ahead of us were snitching out line-cutters to the authorities. I had to do something - fast.

I turned around.

Staring back at me were 2 girls, about the same age as me I estimated. Really tall, too. But then everyone in Sweden is like 7 feet tall. I panicked. Not only were they gonna call the authorities to kick my ass, THEY were going to kick my ass too, lol.

I tried to think of something to say, but the blonde one was disturbingly distracting. Finally, the best I could muster was "'s 20 to get in, right?"

The response I heard was probably the shortest 'Yes' in history. She didn't look like she wanted to talk. She seemed bored. How dare she! Even as I was quivering in my pants, I could not take this insult to my pride so lightly. I made it my mission to pick her up, but it had never been so hard to start a conversation.

Hari and Prathamesh had turned their heads too. I can't get shot down in front of them! This situation was getting increasingly awkward, increasingly fast, lol. I ploughed on - " guys playing or what?"

Again, the blonde one replied. Yes. It was becoming increasingly clear who was the more fiesty of the two. I honestly had nowhere to take this conversation, and the security guards were fast closing in. However, they came and went, and these nice girls didn't rat us out. I now relaxed and started talking with them more fluently. Hmm, she might have a chance with me after all. ;-)

I remember telling those girls that I was an Indian Maharajah and that I had a pet elephant at home and all.

After you're not worried about some big thug picking you out of the queue and throwing you by the wayside, I realized that it was quite easy to become a cocky bastard.

"Where're you from?"
"I'm an Indian maharajah. I own an elephant too. You guys should come over sometime! And my friend here, Raja Siddhanth Hariramani XVI is the Crown Prince of Agra. I'm sure you've heard of the Taj Mahal?"
"...and what about your other friend?" (They were pointing at Prathamesh)
"Oh, that's the team slave. He doesn't play, he has only been brought to Sweden because the government is now promoting equal opportunity. He gets water and food for us, though. In the club here, he's going to carry our jackets around..."

The brunette was cracking up. I don't think she said a word in the whole 30 minute conversation, she just kept giggling away to gloria. I thought that was funny, lol. The blonde, not so much. She didn't believe that I had a pet elephant :( I had to press on!


"So...what's your name?"

AHA! Some interest at last! When she shows you interest like this, you shoot her down epically.


"My name is... (looks at Prathamesh's shirt) 50 Cent."
"Haha, come on! Tell me!"
"I'll take you to the Candy Shop..."


"How old are you?"
"8? WTF? No, really, how old are you?"
"How long are we going to be in this line? My mommy is waiting for me at home!"


Among all this, I decided that the blonde girl interested me a lot. Not only was she really hot, but she was incredibly witty, insulted me as much as I insulted her, and spoke perfect English. I had to have her.

So I decided to show interest to her friend. Remember, this makes the target jealous. When you see signs of jealousy (her cutting into the convo, etc) Give her a back handed compliment ;-D Sneaky, I know, lol.

So I turned my attention to the brunette. This was hard, because she seemed terrified of me. I mean, she was all giggly and all, but when I spoke to her, it seemed like she thought I was going to choke her and then beat the shit out of her. Lol.

Me (to brunette): So is this your first time here?
(Blonde interjects): Yeah, first time at Gothia!

Aha! The trap has been set, and she's walking right into it.

Me: Wow, you have the most beautiful blue eyes...
(She probably thinks I'm going to kiss her ass now :P)
Me: ...actually you know what, they're the 54th most beautiful blue eyes I've seen today. I think I'm going to call you No.54 :D
Her: Nooo! That's so rude!

I've played that moment over in my head a hundred times :D

Slowly, I could sense that the blonde girl was taking a liking to me. Nothing major, but I was making progress. I decided I would PWN her one more time, so I could quickly increase her attraction for me afterwards.

"Hey, pull my finger."
"Come on, just pull my finger!"
"No, I won't pull your finger." (WTF? This is NOT PART OF THE PLAN! NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!)
"Umm...ummm...if you don't pull my finger, something REALLY BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN"
"Really? What could be worse?"
"Worse than pulling my finger?"
"Yeah" *innocent smile*

Shit, I had lost at my own game.

You know, most of the time people wake up one day and realise that they've fallen in love. Some people need dreams to be able to realize it. Some people need logical thought to be able to realize it. Some people need to see a pair of DD tits to realize it.

For me, the moment she did that, I knew I had fallen for her. There was something irresistibly attractive about her personality. I had to find out who she was.

"Hey guys, I never got your names?"
The brunette spoke first. "Evelina."
Then I turned to the blonde.

I could feel myself shivering a bit as the adrenaline crept down my spine.


On the way to Stockholm to catch our flight home, I turned to Hari and asked him his favourite memory from the tournament. His was our epic last night in Gothenburg (Which you will hear about)

Then, he asked me mine. I said, "Dude, you remember on the first day we went clubbing, those two...girls in the queue?"
"That's my favourite memory. I think I've fallen for her."
"Haha, dude I bet you 500 bucks that she won't even remember you"
"You're on."

Today, it's been exactly a year since that day, and me and Julia have been together for 10 months. Right now, she's sleeping in my lap and whining for being woken up.

The next time you look up to the stars, trust them - because it is written.

Stay tuned for the next installment!

The Gothia Cup Saga Continues!

The next part of the Gothia Week saga continues now! I'm glad you all liked the first part, but maybe you can be more subtle with your complements? Your ass-kissing is just going to my head now.

Anyway, moving on...

Part III: Dancing In The Rain

I was obviously really proud of myself that some blonde chick just came up to me and told me to call her. Now it's not such a surprise anymore. I miss those days. Now? Meh, I piss excellence.

I guess the Swedish like to be punctual. We reached Gothenburg at exactly 11:30 p.m. As we were waiting for our bus to arrive, I decided that I was going to do something constructive with my time. So I utilized it by being a total and complete jerk. Like, my jerk-o-meter probably reached lethal levels. I was so bored, I could try anything.

My favourite part was when I grabbed my friend's cigarette and stubbed it on a 12 year old's head. Lmao, he didn't know what hit him. :D Then, I proceeded to lambast the whole team of 14 year olds, (U-14) telling them how fucking useless they are and how their parents would be so ashamed of them when they got home, that they would be strapped down into a chair and be made to listen to Britney Spears' music. Over and over again.

Anyway, as they say, time flies when you're having fun. (:D) And so it did. Before I knew it, it'd been 30 almost minutes. Then I realized that something might be amiss. Why the hell hadn't the bus arrived yet?

We all went to the coach and made him call the authorities. It turns out, the dumbass coach had brought us to Gothenburg on the wrong f*cking day. The authorities were piiissed.

Anyhow, they agreed to send us a bus to pick us up in an hour. Great. And let me tell you people, Sweden is COLD AS FUCK.

No, I'm not kidding. It's the kind of place that hell goes to freeze over. Maybe that's where they invented Ice Tea? No wonder they've never had a war. No one gives a shit about it xD At any point of time, it's either really cold, or it's really rainy.

On this auspicious day, it was both. But of course.

To add to the misery, it was almost 12:30 a.m, and yours truly had only a light jacket to keep him warm.

So picture this: We're in the middle of nowhere - about 50 of us - and it's raining in droves. Like absolute sheets of rain driving right into your face. In addition to that, all 50 of us had atleast one suitcase and one really heavy handbag. Talk about a Scandinavian escapade!

Anyway, I had to do what I could to keep myself warm. A generous 12 year old kindly donated me his sweater. I think it's safe to say that I'm not 12 anymore.

Yeah, I know. Do I look like I care?

A couple of guys were singing some Coldplay songs completely out of tune. Viva la Vida had just come out, and they had taken it upon themselves to murder the song.


All the time shivering and shuddering in the icy rain. Picture this: Jumping into a REALLY cold swimming pool, and then coming out shivering as fuck, your breath is really fast, your body is completely tight, every muscle in your body is screaming stiff in pain.

And then you decide to sing.

That is what these guys were doing.

Anyway, the bus finally came for us about 30 minutes later than promised. I guess the Swedish are not that punctual after all. Oh well.

We soon got to the school we were staying at (all of 30 seconds away)

This was the place. The building on the front right is the school, right next to this beautiful church. Everything about that building and architecture reminds me of vampires, Dracula and Transylvania. It was awesome.

However, all that awesomeness quickly earthed into the ground, as I realized that I have to haul my 30 kilos of baggage 50 feet above the ground. Obviously the secret of the hotness of Swedish people is that they're so fit. They don't need elevators, no siree.

Goddamn, it seemed like I was out of Poseidon's den and into Satan's. Oh well, I was looking forward to a good nights sleep, especially since it was almost 2 a.m. now.

I wonder if you know about Pheidippedes or whatever his name is. The guy who ran 50 miles or something in Greece to deliver some message. When he got there, they told him to go back, lol. So he collapsed and died. Now my situation wasn't quite so grave, but the expression on my face was probably worse than his when we got to our room.

I flew 5000 miles to come here, and they give us...THIS?

Inflatable beds!

That was about the time I collapsed from exhaustion, lol.

Now, my annoying and amazing girlfriend is watching a movie that's kind of distracting me, so I'll tell you about the next part later! Stay tuned guys *Till tomorrow :D*

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Nostalgia Attacks

July 12-19, 2009.

So the biggest youth tournament in the world has started. :(

...without me.


I sooo wanted to go this year :( But I guess it's not worked out. I'll probably also be too old to play next year; so boohoo :'(

Without a doubt that was one of the best weeks of my life.

Anyway, I figured that I should make something constructive of this, so every day of this awesome Gothia Week, I'm going to tell you guys a super secret special story that I haven't really told anyone yet.

Alright, so lets get right into it :D


Part I: Dangerous Liaisons

I remember a really famous sailor was once asked to describe how he felt, each time he sailed to sea. Unfortunately, I do NOT remember what he replied. Lol. I can tell you this, just as the Stena Line ship left the docks on a rainy Saturday evening as the wind washed frigid water all over the deck, and the adventures and memories of small-town Denmark faded into the distance along with the shore, I could feel a sense of expectation and excitement.

This was the boat we travelled on

Not least for the soccer, of course. I knew better than that - we had been drawn into a group with a German, a Swedish, and an American team. A group of death for us. To be fair though, we'd be taking 6 or 7 goals a game even if it was Georgia, Somalia and fucking Siberia.

No, the expectation was for Gothenburg, the excitement was for what was quite possibly going to be the most legendary week of all.

We'd managed to smuggle some beer aboard, and even though it was raining cats and dogs on the ship deck, as we stared into the driving sheets of rain, looking all cool with Carlsberg bottles in our hand, me and a couple of team mates were sitting around, talking. Then, I heard this unmistakable squeal from behind me.


Holy shit, I had a beer bottle in my hand! The guy next to me tossed it overboard; the expression on his face absolutely priceless. It was too late to throw mine. The coach was walking straight towards us.

Thinking at lightning speed, I sat down and put the alcohol behind me. The bench was sopping wet. There go my expensive Jockey boxers, lol. He walked right upto me, and went like:

"Desai, why the hell are you sitting on that wet thing? Can't find a seat? Come on, I'll get you one"
"No no, I'm okay, Sir."

He opened his mouth to speak, just as the guy next to me burped REALLY loudly.

Disgusted, the coach walked off. hahaha!

Part II: Casanova's Child

So, let me tell you about this guy friend of mine. His name is Prathamesh. He's 23 years old, but he is only 5 feet tall. Really funny guy, but hopeless when it comes to socializing or anything to do with girls.

The guy on the right is him.

Anyway, we were inside now, exploring the many hidden pleasures that the ship had to offer. While doing so, we encountered a Swedish handball team. Those girls started getting all giggly at Prathamesh's 'really gay' 50 Cent shirt.

Not one to take an insult to my friend's honor and dignity so lightly, I went over to them and started laughing with them at the poor guy's shirt.

I wow'd them with my irresistible knowledge of the Swedish language, perfectly being able to pronounce "You are gay" and "Show me your tits!"

They laughed especially hard at the second one. What can I say? I'm awesome.

Before long, I had the whole handball team in a circle around me. I enriched their life with my amazing drama as I called their coach a paedophile. A couple of them even agreed, hahaha!

Anyway, about that time, a 12 year old guy from my club comes upto me and goes like "The coach wants to speak to you"

Fuck! Foiled by the fucking coach again!

So as I walked up, I could see the whole coaching staff of the team sitting in a kind of semi circle, this faggot from my team (lets just call him faggot) on one side of the table, and me in front of the semi circle, ready to endure the wrath of the coaches!

That 'faggot' had told the coach about my escapades with these girls. Faggot.

I was now genuinely scared. Because the coach was genuinely scary, and almost 2 metres tall. And muscular. A chickpea for a brain, though.

My palms started to sweat as he began talking. He looked into my eyes, a fire blazing behind them, and I thought I was going to die.

He started..."So, Desai...I heart you've been...telling girls to show you their tits?"

And a smile crept on his face. Phew! I knew I was safe now!

Before I could muster a response, the ass kissing faggot goes "Yeah Ankit, why are you always like that?"

That was the last straw.

I replied acidly: "Noel, tu itna bada chutya kyu hai?" (Dude, why're you sucha fucking twat always?)

Cue: The whole team explodes in laughter, coaches and all. Anky saves the day! Or maybe that idiot shot himself in the foot?

Anyway, I was pretty disappointed that the I hadn't been able to show off that whole hand ball team on my side, lol.

There was a consolation, however. After we got off the ship, we were unloading our baggage right next to their team. One of the girls came up to me, gave me a hug and wrote down her email and # on my hand.

Never did follow up on her, never regretted it.

Because I fell in love 2 days later. Stay tuned for that ;-)

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Disgusting Pineapple the new word for everything that is disgusting.

Speaking of disgusting, my girlfriend...

...happens to be the most ADORABLE THING ALIVE

I'm trying to wake her up as we speak, and she's so funny! All wrapped up like a cocoon, with a serene little smile on her face.

And the waking up sound! Omg, that high pitched little whine is the cutest thing I've ever seen or heard - EVER! And I've seen some cute things, trust me.

Right now, this is our conversation.

Jules, time to wake up!
*Slight smile, faint nod*
Dp you wanna wake up?
*Slight smile, faint nod*
So wake up then!
*Slight smile, faint nod*
We have to go out!
*Slight smile, faint nod*
WTF? Ur just nodding randomly?
*Slight smile, faint nod*
Hmm, are you gay?
*Slight smile, faint nod*
*Slight smile, faint nod*

Stalkers are funneh

So the other day I was having a nice slice of Pizza with teh GF, when my neighbour Nirav calls with the most peculiar news.

Dude, are you at Penne right now?
Yeah...I am, why?
Look directly to your right and opposite you. Do you see a group of girls?
They're checking you out.
Yeah, the girl just called me and is asking me your age, whether you're left handed and stuff
Yes, dude they're going CRAZY about you!

A few minutes later, he calls again. This time, even the girl was on conference! Hahahaha!


The rain is frigid, Gujjus have suddenly become generous, Juhu beach looks surprisingly clean, and even the disgusting old men staring at my girlfriend look funny these days.

WTF is happening to the world?

And to top it all off, I AM AWAKE AT 9 IN THE MORNING!!!

Do you know how rare that is? Fuck Blue Moons, I'm guessing it won't be long before I start saying 'Once in an early morning'

Anyway, SO much to tell you about!

As you all know, I am far from being 21 years of age, which you have to be if you want to go to a club in Mumbai.

As you all know, even a 12 year old can get into a club in Mumbai.

As you all know, I look even younger than that, and hence it is 'delicate' (to say the least) for me to get in.

But then it was Julia's birthday, and we all know how much she likes needlessly blowing money to shake that sexy Scandinavian rumpa under all those flashing lights! :D

Besides, my dad had just paid for an all expenses paid trip to the best Italian restaurant in town. (including chauffeur and all) It would only be fitting to truly end the Julzini's birthday with a bang :D


So we got to 'Bling', and it's raining like hell. It's a Friday evening, and the bouncers look fat and bald. It's like the same guy is standing outside every club. Hehe.

He asks me for an ID. WTF? With my Jedi mind powers, I convince him to let me speak to the manager. He insists it should be Julia who speaks to the manager. WTF? So now she's the man of the relationship. I take the tissues out of my pink purse and weep.

The manager is non-committal, and he starts randomly wishing my girlfriend a happy birthday, both of them conveniently forgetting about me. I feel all left out.

Finally, I realise the power of feminine kind, as Julia kind of blushes, rapidly bats her perfectly manicured eyelashes, looks kinda down with a broad smile on her lips, and goes 'But its my birthday! Can you pleaaaaaaaase do something?'

Lol, even the fucking 30 year old club manager was tooled and let us go in. Wahoo!

Challenge No.1: Defeated

Now was the true test of my character.

I had to...


Holy shit, I'm the kind of guy who would look like a pig doing a pirouette if I danced. The reason Jesus wept was that I tried to do a moonwalk. fuck fuck fuck.

I had to think of something, and FAST.

I was going to ruin my GFs birhtday and tarnish my reputation forever!!! OH NOES!!!!!


And then, hope.

I tiny, miniscule little ray of hope. I had an idea. Behind Jules, I saw this other couple who looked like they knew what they were dancing.

So I just turned my girlfriend to directly face her back to them. I looked straight past her head, and mimicked every friggin move they made.

A couple of times Julia asked me what I was looking at, but I just pretended to not hear her over the noise. Very sneaky Ankzini! :D

At the end of the night, Jules was like 'What was that about you being a bad dancer? You're awesome!'

I looked up at the stars, and laughed maniacally within myself.

Bwa ha ha ha

Saturday, July 4, 2009

The Stuff of Legends

So the 3rd July was my favourite sickpersons birthday. Planning it was a friggin headache, but it all turned out okay in the end!

It's kind of two edged, you know? Preparing for the greatest birthday of all time made me really nervous almost to the point of nausea. But on the other hand, as I made my way to the terrace to make final preparations, it also made my heart leap in the joy of doing something for someone I love. (That, and the fact that I was about to GET SOME! lol, just kidding)

Anyway, it all went down nicely.


The adrenaline was pumping hard and fast by the time the clock struck 12 :D I woke my beautiful sleeping girlfriend up like the f***** sky was falling.

It was a weird feeling, because for the first time in a long time I cared what anybody thought of what I'd done. I was conscious, and nervous. And I was feeling all mushy inside. You know that feeling when you're in 6th grade and about to ask out a girl for the first time? Yeah, this was that.

Absolutely not caring for my vulnerability, she almost slapped me for waking her up too violently.

Undeterred, I was like...HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAY!!!

Then I saw those aesthetically crafted lips part into a bigass smile, and I smiled back, because I could feel the nervousness draining away.

Jules, on the other hand, completely expected to be going back to sleep, but I had other ideas :D I took her by the hand and asked her to follow me.

Her hair was out of order, her eyes were all groggy and spaced out, she was wearing crumpled clothes from tossing and turning in bed, and it looked like mascara was running down her face. She still had that bigass smile on her face, grinning like a retard. She looked beautiful. A part of me wanted to pick her up and cuddle her back to sleep again, but there were other things to be done!

I led her by the hand to the kitchen, where we lit this little miniature cake.

She thought that was that, and Senorita Groggity was ready to fly back into bed.

But nooooooooooooooooooooo!

This buddai is only getting started yet :D

I said that we were going to meet some friends and we got into the lift. To 'someones' surprise, the lift went up Up UP!!! To the top floooooor.

There, just as we exited the lift, Julzini's gifts were waiting for her! She took pictures of the bigass poster I made wishing her and the note I wrote for her, as well as of the awesome ass gift which she hadn't even opened yet xD

If she thought that was all, then she had grossly underestimated her super amazing boyfriend. Or she's just too simple, lol.

I slowly climbed the few remaining steps then, and opened the terrace door. What I saw next, made my jaw drop.


It was raining like hell :(


We turned it around completely, though. We sat out on the ledge, just the two of us, sitting on a bed of rose-petals, under a tiny umbrella in each other's arms, staring out at the infinitely many clouds in the distance.

It was a humbling moment. I'd also say it was one of the happiest moments of my life. My girlfriend had travelled 5 thousand miles to meet me, and here she was on her birthday, in my lap while I shielded her from the rain with my little umbrella.

Life is good, and this day was just getting started...


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I'm so paid

Hello my friends and friendesses!

So Niyati left :(

That was kinda sad. Anyway, on the last night before she left, we all went to her house to stayover and then dropped her off at the airport.

This means no more jokes about her fatness :( My last joke was that she wouldn't fit through the airport door and they'd have to send her by cargo train. Eww anky, you so mushy!

Oh well, this isn't about the cuddly whiny fat doofus who has left forever, but about the actual night at her house.

Truth or Dare will never ever be the same again!

Seriously, I'd known some of those guys for over 10 years, and it seems that they ALL picked the same night to come out of the closet, LOL.

I mean seriously. Some of the dares were just mind-numbingly homoerotic. But I suppose that's what you get when you play Truth or Dare with 50 guys and 4 girls, haha. Welcome to India :P

Here are some of the dares, building up to the homo-est one.

5.]Raj kissing Aalap's bushy eyebrows.

4.]Manan having to give Abs a lap dance, and then show him his nipples (WTF?)

3.]Monty having to erotically pet Varun's tummy.

2.]Abs and Anshuman having to doggy-style each other in front of everyone

1.]Siddharth licking and caressing Manan's camel toe (WOW)


Other highlights of the night were when my girlfriend got dared to squeeze Adit's tits and shout POM POM!!! Hahahahah! That was hilarious. So was Subbie's mujra seductive indian dance, and not to forget Aalap being dared to sit in front of the whole room and act like he's cleaning his butt, Indian style. LMAO!

Anyway, I found out that I have a super secret fan-club who I'd never met! :O So exciting :D

This is the fun part, gotta make the best of it before it goes into stalker mode, lol.

Anyway, fanclubbers, I know you're reading this, so let it be known that I am honored to have such loving and insane fans such as yourselves. Keep up the good work :D

And spread the word of my awesomeness B-)