Saturday, February 7, 2009

This Can Only Happen in America

So me, Manfred and Fernando are in Manfred's very cramped up 2 seater car. It's 1 am and it's chilly outside. We just got out of a movie and we pass a Taco Bell on the way. I can't resist the urge.

"DUDE, cmon pull into the Drive-thru! I need to get something to eat."

So...we pull up, and we're deciding what to eat. There's this middle-aged woman standing in front of the microphone. She starts talking as soon as our car arrives on the spot.

Woman: "Hey, I'll have two burritos."
Taco guy: "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't take walk-up orders at this time"
Woman: "Do I look like I give a fuck?"

Me: "Doesn't work ma'am, I've tried that before."
Woman: "Awww :( Well I walked here because I'm too drunk to drive anyway.

-- At this point, Manfred's eyes light up. I'm in a state of shock at the quickness of his hormones. And also, as an afterthought, SHE'S PROBABLY 45 YEARS OLD!!!

Manfred: "We could buy it for you miss"
Woman: "Awww, thanks :) (Into speaker: "See? FUCK YOU! They're buying it for me!)

At this point, I'm just going like WHAT THE HELL? and Fernando is in splits laughing.

...and Manfred is hell bent on getting laid tonight. I make the wise decision to make Fernando record the whole thing on video.

By this point, there's a whole truckload of cars waiting behind us in the drive-thru, but surprisingly these ultra-civil Yanks just sat there. No honking, no nothing, while my South American friend tried to pick up a wrinkly blonde 45 year old.

"...I love your outfit..."

And just at that point, the woman's drunk(er) friend walks up. She looks as if she walked out of Mowgli and Jungle book, or something. Her hair is all frizzy and blonde, and her skin looks like it's going thru global warming. Fernando is loving this. Manfred is probably throbbing at this point lol. He turns to us and goes "Duude, she is sooo dooable!!"

Me: "Manfred, this woman isn't younger. She's probably 40, at least."
Manfred: "Yeah but I'd do her"
Me: "...."

The new woman is apparently quite promiscuous. First thing she does is lean into our window, and introduce herself, just like any other classy, self respecting woman at 1 am on the street.

"Hi, I'm trisha, and this is my friend torrie! We're T-N-T!"
Me and Fernando: "Hahahahahahahahahahha what the fuck!!!???"

Then the chick looks at me and goes "oooooh you look like troubleee!!! ooommggg torrie he's so cute! can I please take you home??"

"...Fuck no."

Manfred still wants to get laid though.

Later they walk off and Manfred jumps out the front door, hands the keys to Fernando and takes off after them.

Me and Fernando decide this is too good to miss, so he takes out his camera phone and we screw the take away and head on to where the 'party' is at. We go around and get to Manfred.

Me: "Hey dude, did you find 'em?"
Him: "Yeah..."
Me: "...?"
Him: "They're over there...go karting."

Please excuse me while I laugh myself to sleep. Two drunk women, old enough to be grandmas go-karting at 1 am. Stuff of legend.

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